I started this blog with high determination but something happened along the way.
This is my story.
There are some times in all sadness, I cannot shed a tear for someone I care most about; yet at the same time, peculiarly I’m suffering just as much or more on the inside.
In these times, I find myself more attuned at my core. It’s where I hurt most. Whether it cries or whether it bleeds, does the heart really do just one?
Never would I have thought I was susceptible to these feelings…but then again, whose heart isn’t?
This pain humanizes us, makes us “real”. If only I were a wandering soul, perhaps hurt would be more relenting.
I confess that even with all my Christian passions, my beliefs inhibit me from any true happiness. Or so it appears. Whatever the case may be, I’m more willing than not, to surrender my every joy in order to please Him.
It’ll be hard but everyone has cross to bear and I think I’ve finally found mine. Whatever it is that is bothering me probably won’t ever go away. It’s not at all easy to accept. I’m in position where I’ll probably end up carrying this weight all my life.
A friend once asked me if I ever felt sorry for myself? I didn’t give him a completely honest answer but now that I ponder more about it, I probably do. However, I know there are more important things than what I feel. Indeed an optimistic way to look at it would be to tell myself that my life is what I make of it, that there’s no use in being sad or angry about it, hence feign happiness. But how wasteful can life be if one doesn’t allow himself to feel every emotion possibly learned to man.
I wish I could strongly proclaim that I’ve never had any regrets in my life, but I can’t. There are so many and they echo the saying “you hurt the ones you love most”. There is high certainty that I’ll leave this place sad.
I’ve seen in dreams my heart’s deepest, most desperate desire. Nevertheless, I can not act upon this calling. This denial will yield suffering in my heart’s silence. So little could be done to appease it. Relief could be mild. I must trust in the Lord to shine light toward another direction, but even then would I be unsure of leaving behind all I knew. Oh God…why it seems You’ve forsaken me. How else but by a forlorn heart might You enter? It’s so hard to build immunity when I don’t even want to let [U ] go. If ever it were to come, this would be my greatest loss.
I already feel myself missing [U ] at my side. When love is lost, I try not to bow my head in sadness, but keep my head up high and gaze into the heavens for that is where my broken heart has been sent to heal. it’s true that the skies may be full of stars, but my heart will still remain empty without you. It is time.
You once made me believe in love….now it’s a scatter rainbows of colours in the distance…